Sadly, Poppin' Fresh will rise no more.
Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, was found dead today in his stately loft upstairs from a bakery today after having endured a lengthy illness.
While best known for his good nature and infectious giggle, even after repeated pokes to the breadbasket, mystery and controversy surrounded this enigmatic icon. It is rumoured that he was a racist, and some claim to have witnessed him insulting Gingerbread men by referring to them as “little gingey bastards”.
While forensic pâtissiers assigned to the case have yet to release an official statement concerning a cause of death, insiders close to Poppin’ are confident that he succumbed after a long battle with a severe yeast infection. Rarely fatal, the infection is thought to have been aggravated by lowered immunity brought about by his use of steroids.
For years he had binged on steroids to get himself in shape for photo-shoots as the front man for another product, Bibendum the Michelin Man. Pumping up to Bibendum’s dimensions and then “blowing out” back to his cookie-cutter physique several times per year may have been too much for his body to take.
Gluten vulcanization may have indirectly caused Bibendum to cash in his final road hazard warranty in the sky.
Gastronomists believe the steroids interacted with the doughboy’s gluten and vulcanized it, causing untold metabolic complications. Poppin’ Fresh/Bibendum had, after all, arguably “the best buns in the business”. The term “glutes” is considered by many to have been coined in direct reference to the doughboy’s vulcanized gluten posterior.
A private service will be held next week after which he will be cremated in a 350° oven for 11-13 minutes. A charitable donation in lieu of flour has been requested by the family.
March 20th, 2012 at 18:18
My condolences to all his buns. Johannes Pumpernickel
March 25th, 2012 at 03:55
His passing has left an empty spot at my family’s dinner table (in the bread plates) and we’re saddened at every meal.
March 20th, 2012 at 18:35
So today I hear two women talking and one says that her kid HATES the dough boy, and has since before he could walk.
March 25th, 2012 at 03:59
Do you have that kid’s address? Maybe the cops haven’t ruled out foul play. You may have stumbled upon the smoking gun, or in this case the smoking cookie sheet!
March 21st, 2012 at 22:08
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March 23rd, 2012 at 07:14
I’m ashamed to admit that I have once called a Gingerbread man a “little gingey bastard” myself…
March 25th, 2012 at 04:05
Don’t feel too guilty.. we all have skeletons in our closets. When I was a kid, I *sigh* once left a pastry mouse out of the fridge even though I knew my cat was eyeing it. In the morning there was nothing but crumbs and little licorice whiskers on the floor.
March 24th, 2012 at 22:48
I blame his parents. I hear he was self raised.
March 25th, 2012 at 04:26
I heard the same thing. His parental abandonment issues left him feeling that nobody ever kneaded him. That’s why he let just about anyone poke him in the belly and he’d just laugh it off.
March 31st, 2012 at 14:29
Just the way. They say he was up for the roll of lifetime. His replacement on the commercials had tried out for the Muppets, but there were strings attached.
March 31st, 2012 at 15:29
It’s such a shame what steroids did to him. As the Dough Boy he was so humble, so lovable. But as Bibendum, he had such an inflated ego.
April 17th, 2012 at 13:42
Incredibly clever and hilarious! I wish I could properly articulate your greatness!
April 18th, 2012 at 02:43
Glad you liked it! It is not 100% HoaiPhai humour at work here, the yeast infection and racism angles were part of a routine by a Montreal comedian called Mister Sean Keane.