August Fool’s Day

Remember the excitement you felt back in elementary school when April Fool’s Day rolled around? You never quite knew what to expect but you were expecting something.

Then the teachers got together and declared that April Fool’s Day was only in effect during the morning. What a rip-off. Confining youthful exuberance to only a few short hours forced the thirty kids in your class to pull their pranks almost simultaneously, shattering almost any hope for suspense or the undivided attention of the whole class while Mrs. Burnthistle tripped your primitive jam-tossing IED.

We can bring back the spontaneity and surprise to Prank Day by moving it to August 1st, but we cannot tell too many people beforehand, OK? The first day of August is ideal as the weather will be pretty good, a lot of people will be on vacation, it will catch everyone off guard, and August starts with an “A” just like April does.

There are only a few short weeks left until the big day so we better get down to planning right away. Here are a few new gags I’ve thought up that will keep your targets on their toes:

  • Pick-me-up Recycling: For the poor slobs that will be working that Monday morning, this one’s ideal for the workplace but will take a little preparation. Save your used coffee grinds in the fridge for a few weeks, drying them in the oven when quantities permit. Then on the morning of August Fool’s Day, bring them in to work and replace the office’s fresh coffee supply with your depleted grinds. Not only will your special blend not have the requisite caffeine content for a Monday morning but the taste will be completely weak and nasty, too!
  • Super Shampoo: Put a healthy dose of a suitable depilatory in a shampoo bottle accessible to others. If you know a hairy guy that likes bubble baths, you can put the depilatory in his bath salts. Make sure you have a powerful drain opener on hand after the hilarity ceases. Don’t want to subject your friend to hairlessness? Use hydrogen peroxide instead.
  • Authentic Fake Dog Poo: Go to the novelty store and buy a specimen of fake dog poo, but make sure it comes in some kind of labelled package. Remove the plastic poo and set it aside for your kids to take to school next April. Go to a dog park and get some real doggy doo and put it into the packaging, being careful to preserve the label and not to smudge the “real McCoy” sample. Leave the new and improved fake dog poo box where your neighbours’ bratty kids will find it.
  • Mosquito Mix-up: Got some of those mosquito repellent coils lying around? Go to a boutique that sells Chinese stuff and buy a couple of incense coils, putting them in the repellent box. Then mix equal parts of ginger ale and corn syrup, thoroughly mixing in some powdered cardamom to give it a chemical aroma. Put this thick fluid into a commercial bug repellent spritzer bottle. Host an August 1st  BBQ and when the bugs start to bite, splash yourself generously with real-deal insecticide and bring out the incense in the mosquito coil box to “protect” your guests. When that doesn’t help them, break out the home-made “mosquito spray” for them.
  • Postmaster General: Go to the post office and submit a change-of-address request for Parliament, 24 Sussex Drive, The White House, 10 Downing Street, The Kremlin, or whatever is appropriate in your country. If it’s an election year, change the mailing address of the Campaign Headquarters of a political party you don’t like. Don’t limit yourself to politics — a lot of fun can be had by changing the addresses of credit card bill payment departments and anyone else so behind the times that they still use snail mail.
  • The 32 psi Prank: Fill your friend’s tires with something other than air, like water for instance, taking care to check the owner’s manual for the correct cold-load pressure. If you’re in the military and can get your hands on a lot of those coloured smoke grenades, fill the General’s tires with their contents. CAUTIONIn the event of a blow-out the use of the wrong colour smoke in a war zone could result in an airstrike .
  • Exciting Video Night: Is there a male in your circle of friends that you want to humiliate in front of the rest of the gang, especially if he is in the habit of wearing stretchy jogging pants? Here’s what you’ve gotta do… invite everyone over for a video night and at some point during the festivities, spike your target’s drink with a hefty dose of Viagra. After allowing thirty minutes to an hour for it to take full effect, start playing a video one would not usually consider titillating, like an old gladiator movie, Driving Miss Daisy, or any Three Stooges short. Point out the bulge in your friend’s pants to the rest of the gang and ridicule him for getting turned on by stripped-to-the-waist centurions, Jessica Tandy, or Curly. His new nickname will last for decades!

That’s all I’ve got for the moment. If you have suggestions for other pranks, please leave them in the comments section below. Also, let me know next month how your August Fool’s Day turned out!

[NOTE: The pranks in this article and the comments below are for humourous purposes only and should not be attempted. Injury, death, jail time, or lawsuits may result. The author will not be held responsible for any nasty stuff that happens to you or to others as a result of trying any of these pranks. He would, however, like to hear about it.]

About HoaiPhai

I'm up late digging up the dirt. View all posts by HoaiPhai

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