I’m Looking for Work and I Need Your Help

I think I’ve mentioned to you once or twice over the past ten months or so I’ve been blogging that I’m not a huge fan of working. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being productive or drawing a pay-cheque, it’s just that working for someone else is a major drag. Unfortunately, I possess no business sense and even less risk tolerance so it looks like I’m destined to spend my life punching someone else’s clock.

I’ve been someone else’s employee off and on since I was fifteen years old. So looking back at the past 38 years I’ve been on someone or other’s payroll, I’ve found that I have very few fond memories of the actual work component of my various jobs and little to show for contributing to the wealth of the companies’ owners and upper management. In fact the best job-related memories I’ve had were of engaging in activities that could get me fired (and some did), stuff I did outside of work time with people I met at work, and stuff I did on my own with the money I earned.

In spite of all the hours I’ve logged, I have a feeling that all I’ve done hasn’t amounted to much in the way of making the world a better place, except that my bosses always seem to be enjoying more or better homes, cars, vacations, and toys. Bosses, be they the owners of the companies or employees just slightly higher up the ladder than me, all seem to end up being monumental jerks. Each and every one of my bosses have possessed several the following characteristics, and some of my so-called superiors proudly claim all of them.

  • They wear polyester shirts, usually unbuttoned to the solar plexus to expose solid-gold paperweights hanging from gold chains the thickness of marine tie-down ropes.
  • They have fat kids.
  • They all think that they’re God’s gift to whatever gender they happen to be attracted to today.
  • They refer to themselves as “myself” instead of “me” in all interoffice memos.
  • They berate their minions as being incompetent loser company nothings but blame them when something goes wrong at the corporate level.
  • They have fast cars but slow minds.
  • They never venture out of their air-conditioned offices, except on humid days when they pay a visit to the production area to ogle the women in tube-tops.
  • They take their noon meals at the neighbourhood’s most expensive eateries but when they ask their employees to work through lunch, they spring for steamed hot dogs (and no fries) and make a huge deal about the free lunch the workers are getting.
  • They all seem to ooze the aura of someone you wouldn’t trust alone in a dark room with your cat.

I’ve been at my present thankless job for over 7½ years and am rapidly developing a Bundyesque attitude toward it. It’s time to move on so I thought I’d try “networking” all my loyal readers in my search for a new career. Here’s my résumé listing some of the positions I’ve formerly held to give you an idea of the kind of team player (who also works well on his own) that I am and the diverse set of skills and experience I’ve come to acquire.

  • Deodorant Model
  • Freelance Snake Charmer
  • Interior Decorator for Sanford & Son Industries
  • Towel Boy at the Velvet Elvis Steam Room
  • Crumb Sweeper/Sorter (eventually promoted to Crumb Broom Maintenance Tech Supervisor)
  • Proud Holder of a Black Belt in the Ancient Art of Chinese Buffet Line Jumping
  • Gene Shalit’s Moustache Stylist
  • Eviction Consultant
  • Anger Management Coach to Bill O’Reilly
  • Shopping Cart Wheel Alignment Mechanic
  • Fake I.D. Driving Test Examiner
  • Kool-Aide Sommelier at a lemonade stand in a really good part of town
  • The Kardashian Sisters’ Leg Hair Groomer
  • Bumper Car Insurance Adjuster
  • Secret Sauce Forger for Mikey Dee’s Knock-off Burgers
  • Wildlife Taunter for Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
  • Toothpick Point Whittler
  • Bovine Methane Measurer
  • Don King’s Barber
  • Lobbyist for Whack-a-mole’s Inclusion in the 2004 Summer Olympics
  • Bungee Test Pilot
  • Grafiti Spellchecker

This kind of life experience doesn’t come cheap so whoever wants to avail themselves of my services better be prepared to pony up big time! In addition to a cheque that will keep me on Nikon’s Preferred Customer Mailing List and my pantry fully stocked with real Kraft Dinner (and not the imitation no-name brand), I demand certain conditions be met which will provide me the kind of fertile environment to blossom into the kind of staff and/or management member to whom you will be proud to offer a seven-figure golden parachute in a couple of years.

  • An expense account including a pre-authorized credit card for Phil’s Polyester Boutique & Gold Paperweight Emporium.
  • An air-conditioned corner office and a big desk with tastefully framed pictures of fat kids on top. My own personal 15-bar cappuccino machine would be nice, too.
  • Images of myself with several of the world’s most beautiful women photoshopped in so it looks like they’re kissing me.
  • A dartboard with the names of my minions silkscreened onto it.
  • A 500 Class Mercedes or a 700 Class Beemer.
  • A live hi-def video feed from the production area with zoom and a humidity alert klaxon.
  • A map indicating at least five of the neighbourhood’s most expensive eateries and one steamed hot dog joint.
  • A dark room and a cat.

I’m confident that if armed with the productivity tools listed above I will show the energy and tenacity of a poodle in a room full of shins in the execution of my duties. Please get back to me ASAP with any job leads.

Regards,

HoaiPhai

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About HoaiPhai

I'm up late digging up the dirt. View all posts by HoaiPhai

22 responses to “I’m Looking for Work and I Need Your Help

  • Carl D'Agostino

    Why not run for political office? You seem better qualified than most members of the US Senate and US House of Representatives. You certainly have accomplished more than most.

    • HoaiPhai

      To quote the late, great Pat Paulsen, “I will not run if nominated, and if elected I will not serve”. It’s not that I have anything against being a senator or congressman, it’s just that I was born in the Province of Quebec in the late ’50s where (and when) births were recorded by churches and the government used church documents as the basis for issuing identity documents, such as birth certificates. In fact to this date, I don’t think that I’ve ever been issued an actual birth certificate and being Greek Orthodox, my baptismal certificate is bilingual — English and Greek. After the whole Obama birth certificate kerfuffle, I can only imagine how well the press would receive me. I’d just like to reiterate, I wouldn’t mind serving The American Public in such a capacity, but they’d probably be better off if I just collected a senator’s or congressman’s pension.

      • The Good Greatsby

        Is it possible to just run for a senator’s pension and not the actual office?

      • HoaiPhai

        I’m not all that familiar with how it works in The States but here in Canada Senators don’t seem to have to punch a clock, but they always collect their pensions after all the free haircuts, lunches, donuts, and hockey tickets lose their novelty.

  • Ape No. 1

    Haha. Myself thinks this is funny.

  • Stepping My Way to Bliss

    After reading your list of previous employer types, I found myself (me, MOI) wondering how long you have worked for the mafia?

    I am looking for part-time work right now and it is depressing out there. Can’t decide which is better –the minimum wage close to home gigs or the just a few dollars above that mark long distance commute ones. How will I decide? ~~Bliss

    • HoaiPhai

      Ha-ha! You’re right! It does read like that, doesn’t it? I spent very little time on this post and neglected to include nepotism as one of the characteristics of bosses. While being a button man has its perks, like nice cars, travel, and an excellent pension plan, I don’t think The Greek Mafia is hiring right now and if I were to join one of the other gangs, I would probably be given some nasty job, like escorting hitmen on fishing trips or something.

      I really would like a better job but I have great job security and nobody bothers me. The problem is that the schedule is nasty, the pay is terrible, and scores very low in terms of being personally rewarding. But I’ve looked around for other work and while I could make better money elsewhere, if I am chosen out of the hundreds of other people applying for the same job, chances are I’d be laid off in a few months due to the region’s economic frailty/instability. It’s really tough to find anything that will pay the bills over the long haul. My best wishes in your search.

      Brother Fredo used to like fishing.

  • Hippie Cahier

    >>•They refer to themselves as “myself” instead of “me” in all interoffice memos.<<

    That is simply intolerable.

    • HoaiPhai

      Oh, I hate it. I had one memo that was broadcast by the top dog to all the desk-bound employees with something along the following lines… “Be sure to check all customer invoice’s before sending them out. If you have any questions, please contact myself.” I think that they should not put people in charge of most of the company unless they can pass an apostrophe test, but being the owner’s son, I’m sure he makes up for it by being eminently qualified in other ways.

  • Dave Farmer

    I think of myself as…hahahaha….sorry, I had to fit myself in there somewhere! I’ll start again!

    I reckon you have enough verve and spark in this post alone to write a book about bosses and the strange collection of jobs we accumulate over the years. Maybe you’re a bit over qualified to run for office or try for the Presidency!

    Seriously, you seem to know an awful lot about photography. Ever thought of putting that to good use?

    • HoaiPhai

      You know, I hate the thought of going to work 40+ hours a week, filling some corporation’s need, and never having the time to do anything really important (like visiting other people’s blogs lately… sorry). Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been on any kind of social assistance since the ’80s, it just seems so wasteful that the pegs companies use to fill holes have a whole lot more substance that extends far beyond the little disk of space they are paid to fill, if you get my metaphor.

      I wanted to write a book called The Other Way of Quitting talking about the various jobs I’ve had but never did it. The closest I came was writing a post of the same name.

      I’ve dreamt of making a comfortable living from people buying my images, unfortunately professional photography is all about selling your images and running a business unless your stuff is really great and people find out about it and seek you out. Realistically, my photos are mediocre (with an occasional really good one popping up from time to time) so fine art photography doesn’t seem promising. The next thing would be product, fashion, or journalism. Frankly, I don’t think I could cut it in a fast-paced environment like that. “Storefront photography” (portraits, weddings, etc.) I could probably do from a technical/artistic standpoint (there are lots of mediocre shots in wedding/portrait photographers’ windows) but I don’t have any experience running my own business and would’t know where to begin.

      Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved taking photos since the ’70s and look at it as something deeply personal, like sex. Getting paid to do it might ruin the experience for me and I don’t think that I could consistently perform quality work all week long. So, one alternative is sales. I enjoy the science behind producing images but the only thing I ever sold well and enjoyed myself was radiation filters, but the pay stunk. There are so many cameras out there so starting my own shop would be incredibly expensive (single high-quality lenses can cost thousands of dollars), but you can buy consumer cameras everywhere and I cannot imagine being able to compete with the established shops in terms of price or trust in the higher-end market. So, I’d end up working for a commission for a boss with a big gold camera hung around his neck.

      I’ve thought about teaching photography classes at adult ed, but haven’t looked into it too deeply… thanks for reminding me!

      • Dave Farmer

        Well, there you go then! I can understand the idea of taking a hobby or passion and trying to make a living from it only to find it sucks the joy out of it. Considering your wealth of knowledge perhaps teaching what you know could be the way to go.

        Starting a business is a daunting thing even to think about, whereas teaching could bring unexpected rewards and satisfaction.

      • HoaiPhai

        I have also considered working as a photographer in one of those shopping centre photo booths but I found out during my interview that the 3 cubic feet of space I’d have to spend eight hours a day in triggered claustrophopia.

  • MercuryMoonShineLove GlitterStarDustQueen

    When I read your posts my eyes glaze with love and fire the echos from ancient fairy ghosts sing beautiful music the walls turn pink and baby blue the ground trembles as stars dance across a galaxy of groovy vibes keep posting baby! X Mercury Moonshine Dutchess

  • edrevets

    If someone as qualified and diversified as you isn’t happy in their work, what hope is there for anyone else?

    Good lord, is it all pointless?

    • HoaiPhai

      Well, I don’t pretend to be exactly typical in terms of employability or work ethic. There are many people out there who have a far narrower range of interests who are content with their day-to-day boring jobs like lawyer, doctor, international spy, reigning monarch, or Slap Chop salesman. What I’m after is a meaningful career and won’t settle for anything less!

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