I think I’ve mentioned to you once or twice over the past ten months or so I’ve been blogging that I’m not a huge fan of working. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being productive or drawing a pay-cheque, it’s just that working for someone else is a major drag. Unfortunately, I possess no business sense and even less risk tolerance so it looks like I’m destined to spend my life punching someone else’s clock.
I’ve been someone else’s employee off and on since I was fifteen years old. So looking back at the past 38 years I’ve been on someone or other’s payroll, I’ve found that I have very few fond memories of the actual work component of my various jobs and little to show for contributing to the wealth of the companies’ owners and upper management. In fact the best job-related memories I’ve had were of engaging in activities that could get me fired (and some did), stuff I did outside of work time with people I met at work, and stuff I did on my own with the money I earned.
In spite of all the hours I’ve logged, I have a feeling that all I’ve done hasn’t amounted to much in the way of making the world a better place, except that my bosses always seem to be enjoying more or better homes, cars, vacations, and toys. Bosses, be they the owners of the companies or employees just slightly higher up the ladder than me, all seem to end up being monumental jerks. Each and every one of my bosses have possessed several the following characteristics, and some of my so-called superiors proudly claim all of them.
- They wear polyester shirts, usually unbuttoned to the solar plexus to expose solid-gold paperweights hanging from gold chains the thickness of marine tie-down ropes.
- They have fat kids.
- They all think that they’re God’s gift to whatever gender they happen to be attracted to today.
- They refer to themselves as “myself” instead of “me” in all interoffice memos.
- They berate their minions as being incompetent loser company nothings but blame them when something goes wrong at the corporate level.
- They have fast cars but slow minds.
- They never venture out of their air-conditioned offices, except on humid days when they pay a visit to the production area to ogle the women in tube-tops.
- They take their noon meals at the neighbourhood’s most expensive eateries but when they ask their employees to work through lunch, they spring for steamed hot dogs (and no fries) and make a huge deal about the free lunch the workers are getting.
- They all seem to ooze the aura of someone you wouldn’t trust alone in a dark room with your cat.
I’ve been at my present thankless job for over 7½ years and am rapidly developing a Bundyesque attitude toward it. It’s time to move on so I thought I’d try “networking” all my loyal readers in my search for a new career. Here’s my résumé listing some of the positions I’ve formerly held to give you an idea of the kind of team player (who also works well on his own) that I am and the diverse set of skills and experience I’ve come to acquire.
- Deodorant Model
- Freelance Snake Charmer
- Interior Decorator for Sanford & Son Industries
- Towel Boy at the Velvet Elvis Steam Room
- Crumb Sweeper/Sorter (eventually promoted to Crumb Broom Maintenance Tech Supervisor)
- Proud Holder of a Black Belt in the Ancient Art of Chinese Buffet Line Jumping
- Gene Shalit’s Moustache Stylist
- Eviction Consultant
- Anger Management Coach to Bill O’Reilly
- Shopping Cart Wheel Alignment Mechanic
- Fake I.D. Driving Test Examiner
- Kool-Aide Sommelier at a lemonade stand in a really good part of town
- The Kardashian Sisters’ Leg Hair Groomer
- Bumper Car Insurance Adjuster
- Secret Sauce Forger for Mikey Dee’s Knock-off Burgers
- Wildlife Taunter for Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
- Toothpick Point Whittler
- Bovine Methane Measurer
- Don King’s Barber
- Lobbyist for Whack-a-mole’s Inclusion in the 2004 Summer Olympics
- Bungee Test Pilot
- Grafiti Spellchecker
This kind of life experience doesn’t come cheap so whoever wants to avail themselves of my services better be prepared to pony up big time! In addition to a cheque that will keep me on Nikon’s Preferred Customer Mailing List and my pantry fully stocked with real Kraft Dinner (and not the imitation no-name brand), I demand certain conditions be met which will provide me the kind of fertile environment to blossom into the kind of staff and/or management member to whom you will be proud to offer a seven-figure golden parachute in a couple of years.
- An expense account including a pre-authorized credit card for Phil’s Polyester Boutique & Gold Paperweight Emporium.
- An air-conditioned corner office and a big desk with tastefully framed pictures of fat kids on top. My own personal 15-bar cappuccino machine would be nice, too.
- Images of myself with several of the world’s most beautiful women photoshopped in so it looks like they’re kissing me.
- A dartboard with the names of my minions silkscreened onto it.
- A 500 Class Mercedes or a 700 Class Beemer.
- A live hi-def video feed from the production area with zoom and a humidity alert klaxon.
- A map indicating at least five of the neighbourhood’s most expensive eateries and one steamed hot dog joint.
- A dark room and a cat.
I’m confident that if armed with the productivity tools listed above I will show the energy and tenacity of a poodle in a room full of shins in the execution of my duties. Please get back to me ASAP with any job leads.