Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, was found dead today in his stately loft upstairs from a bakery today after having endured a lengthy illness.
While best known for his good nature and infectious giggle, even after repeated pokes to the breadbasket, mystery and controversy surrounded this enigmatic icon. It is rumoured that he was a racist, and some claim to have witnessed him insulting Gingerbread men by referring to them as “little gingey bastards”.
While forensic pâtissiers assigned to the case have yet to release an official statement concerning a cause of death, insiders close to Poppin’ are confident that he succumbed after a long battle with a severe yeast infection. Rarely fatal, the infection is thought to have been aggravated by lowered immunity brought about by his use of steroids.
For years he had binged on steroids to get himself in shape for photo-shoots as the front man for another product, Bibendum the Michelin Man. Pumping up to Bibendum’s dimensions and then “blowing out” back to his cookie-cutter physique several times per year may have been too much for his body to take.
Gastronomists believe the steroids interacted with the doughboy’s gluten and vulcanized it, causing untold metabolic complications. Poppin’ Fresh/Bibendum had, after all, arguably “the best buns in the business”. The term “glutes” is considered by many to have been coined in direct reference to the doughboy’s vulcanized gluten posterior.
A private service will be held next week after which he will be cremated in a 350° oven for 11-13 minutes. A charitable donation in lieu of flour has been requested by the family.