Dirty Duck’s Playlist

Dirty Duck likes good music about bad relationships.

I’ve known Dirty Duck for quite a long time. People (and raccoons) who know him do not always share his taste in music but his vast knowledge on the subject is undeniable. He once explained to me that he was able to amass this knowledge because he listens to a lot of music during his biannual migrations — he claims that ducks can not only pick up on the Earth’s magnetic fields for navigational purposes but they can also get FM, which makes those long flights a lot more enjoyable.

The thing about his taste in music is that he loves songs with lyrics dealing with aberrant relationships, sexual deviation, and bad girls and boys — the more twisted and kinky, the better. He didn’t get the name Dirty Duck by winning it in a raffle, you know.

He has never let me down when I’ve asked him to suggest something to listen to. Raccoons are not exactly known for their politesse and refined taste so he and I tend to enjoy the same kind of music. If you also enjoy raunchy and/or suggestive lyrics, here’s a rather extensive Dirty Duck playlist with an explanation as to why each song made the grade.

    1. “Seduced” by Leon Redbone: “Seduced” is a fairly mild way to get this playlist rolling. What this song is about is a guy who would like to be pursued by a woman for a change.
    2. “Lola” by The Kinks: A young inexperienced guy falls in love with a woman who turns out to be a man, but he doesn’t care (not that there’s anything wrong with it).
    3. “Johnny, Are You Queer?” by Josie Cotton: A great ’80s song with a ’60s surfer beat, a young woman is troubled because her boyfriend does not “come on strong”.
    4. “My Ding-a-ling” by Chuck Berry: In the first verse Chuck explains that his ding-a-ling is a toy given to him long ago by his grandmother but, if you’re smart, you’ll forget about that and read all kinds of dirty things into the lyrics.
    5. “Pictures of Lily” by The Who: A father gives his son pin-up pictures of Lily and the son falls in love with her. The song doesn’t come out and say it but interviews with the band members reveal that this song is really about masturbation.
    6. “She Bop” by Cyndi Lauper: Like the previous song, this one is also about masturbation (which is referred to as “bop” in the lyrics) but instead of being encouraged, people are trying to get the first-person-singular to stop her compulsive behaviour.
    7. “Dirty Love” by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention: The first line pretty much says it all… “Give me your dirty love.”
    8. “Wake Up and Make Love with Me” by Ian Dury and the Blockheads: Ian Dury, perhaps best known for his song “Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll”, asks his lover to wake up so they can make love. What else could this song be about?
    9. “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap: If you like your woman with a little junk in her trunk, this song’s for you.
    10. “Lullaby (The Divorce Song)” by Stephen Lynch: A father comforts his child and reflects on why his wife may have left him. After listening to this one, I’m sure you’ll agree that she was justified to get far, far away from this guy but I have just one question for her… “Why the hell did you leave your child there with this creep?”
    11. “Free Fallin’ ” by Tom Petty: A real girl-next-door type gets dumped by her boyfriend for apparently no other reason than simply because he wants to be “free”. It is my theory that “free falling” means being stoned.
    12. “Hurts So Good” by John Cougar Mellencamp: A guy tries to spice things up in the bedroom and suggests that his girlfriend get a little rough with him during lovemaking.
    13. “Gimme Some Money” by Spinal Tap: A little ditty about a boyfriend who expects his girlfriend to keep his wallet full.
    14. “Welfare Mothers” by Neil Young and Crazy Horse: Neil seems convinced that “welfare mothers make better lovers” but never explains why. Why, Neil?
    15. “I Know What Boys Like” by The Waitresses: A tease reveals her tactics.
    16. “I.L.B.T.’s” by Joe Walsh: “I.L.B.T.’s” stands for “I love big tits”. Enough said.
    17. “Boom, Boom (Out Go The Lights)” by Pat Travers: A guy hears that his girlfriend wants to break up with him so he’s running all over town trying to find her so he can punch her lights out.
    18. “First I Look At The Purse” by The J. Geils Band: Pretty much along the same lines as song #13, but here how much money a woman has is the guy’s primary interest and figures prominently in general dating policy.
    19. “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts: A woman is hooked on a guy who is cheating on her but what sets this song apart from your average you’ve-done-me-wrong song is her attitude. She says she’s “not really jealous,  just don’t like feeling like a clown”.
    20. “Harden My Heart” by Quarterflash: Kind of along the same lines as the previous Joan Jett song, this song takes it the next level… the women decided to leave her guy because he has stood her up one time too many and left her waiting in the rain. He doesn’t seem to be the most honourable guy in the world because she observes “Words, for you, are lies.”
    21. “Teddy Bear” by Ayumi Hamasaki: I really struggled with my decision to include this song in this list for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s in Japanese so you’ve probably never heard it and are not very likely to seek it out but Ayumi Hamasaki (or Hamasaki Ayumi, as she’s known as in the Orient) is huge in Japan and other Asian countries… she was deemed the fourth most influential singer/musician ever by Japan’s music industry. The song is very mellow sounding, the lyrics’ meaning not withstanding. It’s also a fairly straightforward the-guy-abandons-the-girl song. One of the things that sets this one apart is the first verse, which gets repeated a few times throughout the song. The girl is saying that she remembers long ago when one night her guy was stroking her hair as she fell asleep and told her that she’d find a big surprise when she wakes up. In the morning she finds a teddy bear in the guy’s place. Pretty sick, eh? A guy splits and leaves a teddy bear, which a woman is not likely to throw away, as a reminder of how he left without warning and broke her heart. As the song progresses, the girl’s voice progressively sounds more and more like she’s crying. A real tearjerker even if you don’t understand a word of Japanese.
    22. “Vinh Biet Tinh Anh” by Ngoc Lan: Here’s another non-English song you’ll probably never hear. Just so you know, Ngoc Lan passed away in 2001 and was an icon of the Vietnamese pop music scene for years and years. Anyways, this song doesn’t really fit into this list because it’s a fairly pedestrian song (with an odd-sounding electronic instrument that occasionally rears its ugly head) but I’m including it because of the powerful title, which in Vietnamese means “I’m completely, utterly, and permanently distancing myself from your love”. I don’t understand the whole song, just bits and pieces, but the last line, “Vinh biet nho anh”, means something like “I’m so done with you I’m never-ever even going to allow myself to miss you”. You tell the bastard, Ngoc Lan!
    23. “I Don’t Care” by 2NE1: Completing our tour of Asian songs (I promise), this one is by a major Korean girl band. The lyrics talk about a girl who’s fed up of her guy running around behind her back, coming home with lipstick on his collar, calling her from bars in the company of other women he says are “just friends”, etc. She dumps him and he’s on his hands and knees begging for a second chance but the singer says “I don’t care” and says because guys are such pigs, she’s given up on committed relationships and is going to be a “bad girl” from now on. A very cute and catchy example of K-Pop if you don’t mind a couple of seconds of rap buried within the song.
    24. “Hello, I Love You” by The Doors: Don’t get me wrong, I love The Doors’ music but anyone who walks up to a total stranger on the street and says to her “Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me your name?” is a toad. This just might be the jerk that Ngoc Lan was talking about in song #22.
    25. “Strange Kind of Woman” by Deep Purple: Boy meets girl, girl charges boy for her “services”, boy falls in love, girl doesn’t, boy persists, girl falls in love, the boy’s ecstatic, girl dies. Classic Deep Purple!
    26. “Hey Hey What Can I Do” by Led Zeppelin: Same basic story as the previous song, but the girl never gives up her career, she doesn’t die, and it’s never really made clear whether the girl ever considers the guy as being anything more than just a customer. As far as I know this is Led Zeppelin’s only non-album song ever released.
    27. “Mary Anne with the Shaky Hand” by The Who: For some reason all the boys are attracted to Mary Anne because of her shaky hand… maybe it has something to do with her being able to make really good James Bond style vodka martinis.
    28. “Polka Dot Undies” by Bowser and Blue: A Bob Dylan sounding song that’s not at all dirty (unless you anticipate what the last word of each line is going to be, and then it becomes absolutely filthy).
    29. “Eskimo” by Corky and the Juice Pigs: A song about the only gay Eskimo in his tribe who, among other things, has a crazy fetish for rubber.
    30. “I’m My Own Grandpa” by any one of about a thousand country singers: A guy marries a widow and then his father marries the widow’s daughter. It gets much more complicated as the song plays out but the singer eventually proves to you that he is, indeed, his own grandpa.
    31. “Spiders & Snakes” by Jim Stafford: A cute song about a schoolboy who is more than just a little interested but is just too immature to know how to handle a classmate’s advances.
    32. “I’ve Seen Pubic Hair” by Maclean and Maclean: A parody of the Australian (and later, American) song “I’ve Been Everywhere”, this Canadian incarnation of an old standard talks about the foliage of the nether regions, and I don’t mean Holland.
    33. “Reelin’ and Rockin’ ” by Chuck Berry [The London Chuck Berry Sessions version and not the original one that talks about dancing]: Chuck Berry has been called “the busiest musician in rock and roll” and this song talks about him “getting busy” repeatedly over the period of about twelve hours.
    34. “Dinah-Moe Humm” by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention: A woman bets Mr. Zappa $40 that he cannot satisfy her and the woman’s sister plays a part in him winning the bet. Zappa at his best!
    35. “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” by George Thorogood: A great version of this old R&B song that actually combines two songs to tell the story of a down-on-his-luck guy who drinks heavily because he misses his girl (among other things).
    36. “Chick-A-Boom (Don’t Ya Jes’ Love It)” by Daddy Dewdrop: A guy has a dream about a beautiful girl who gets more and more naked the longer he dreams.
    37. “Evil Woman” by Black Sabbath: From the band’s first album, a lot of “Sabbath heads” might never have heard this as it was not on the North American edition of that album. Anyways, Ozzie sings about how demonically evil a woman is.
    38. “Nice ‘n’ Sleazy” by The Stranglers: The title alone qualifies this song for this list. Great song!
    39. “Don’t Touch Me There” by The Tubes: A great parody of ’50s music. Two teens sing about how deeply they love each other, and the girl tells the guy that she’ll stay with him forever as long as he doesn’t touch her “there”. With all the imagery you’d expect from a “greaser” song, the girl notes the presence of “the smell of burning leather as we hold each other tight”. The whole song’s hilarious!
    40. “Have I The Right?” by The Honeycombs: This is possibly the worst song ever to have made it onto the charts, in my opinion (but I enjoy listening to it anyways… it’s like the acoustic equivalent of watching a train wreck). It was recorded in one of the band member’s apartments, rhythm is provided by musicians stomping on the wooden stairs, and the guitar is the absolute twangiest ever recorded outside the realm of country music. And don’t get me started on the vocals… the singer sounds like a dirty old man with his occasional growls and “aw-oohs” peppered around the verses. The lyrics are about a guy professing his love for a woman he’d like to be involved with but his lack of tenderness, tact, and finesse transforms this from a love song into a stalker’s anthem.
    41. “Run for Your Life” by The Beatles: Unlike the previous song where the singer sounds like a horny, harmless pest, this Beatles song is one of their darkest where a guy is warning his lady not to cheat on him or he’ll kill her. Lennon hated it but it was Harrison’s favourite from their Rubber Soul album.
    42. “My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama” by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention: Dr. Zappa is dating a girl who lives with her parents who hate him, so his guitar wants to exact revenge for them getting in the way of his relationship. For those of you who are too young to know Zappa, this song is what Blink 182 would have sounded like in the 1970s (maybe not so much musically, but the attitude is pretty much the same).
    43. “Love Stinks” by The J. Geils Band: The rock and roll paramount of romantic cynicism and a tribute to the miracle that any romantic relationship ever works out.

I hope you will enjoy listening to Dirty Duck’s playlist and, no doubt, it will help you boogie and get down (get it?)!

Afterthoughts

The fourth law of thermodynamics states…

In any open system, a list cannot be compiled that is both comprehensive and germane as to the phenomenon and/or collection the individual elements are to describe.

… and Dirty Duck’s Playlist does not violate this law. So in an effort to be as complete as the laws of physics will allow, and also to give The Duck ideas for the next compilation CD he’s going to burn for me, Dirty Duck and I have decided to add a.) songs suggested by readers, and b.) songs readers’ suggestions remind us of. Please feel free to suggest more songs via the comment section. Here are even more songs.

  1. “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls: An excellent suggestion to this list from Ape No. 1, we don’t know how we missed putting this one in the original list in the same neighbourhood as songs #5 and #6. This song talks about a woman who cannot wait to see her guy, literally speaking.
  2. “Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex” by Cansei de Ser Sexy: In his comment suggesting the previous song, Ape No. 1 made a reference to the song’s connection to an Apple commercial which reminded Dirty Duck of this song he first heard on an iPod ad. While the lyrics only talk about having sex until the end, and the meaning is lost to most English speakers because they are in Portuguese, they don’t describe anything twisted enough to make this list. But ignoring the Portuguese, the English lyrics tell us that to the singer music is everything and suggests that maybe it takes the place of, or is even better than, sex. Now that’s sick!
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About HoaiPhai

I'm up late digging up the dirt. View all posts by HoaiPhai

10 responses to “Dirty Duck’s Playlist

  • The Hobbler

    Wow, this is a whole new side to you. You have my bad blog address right? It’s nothobblingnow just in case. If you don’t mind, I may use some of these songs on there one day. I like the post.

    • HoaiPhai

      What do you mean by “new side”… the bad boy stuff? I’m wicked from way back and try very hard to keep myself in check on this blog mostly because I’m not sure what the statute of limitations is on a lot of my most engaging personal stories! On at least one occasion bloggers have removed my comments and put me on their “special moderation watch list”.

      Dirty Duck would be very pleased to see you sharing his playlist, or selected tunes thereof, with the masses. When you do publish that post, please let me know so I can check it out. I’m always looking for something new to play when the missionaries come to the door.

      Yup, I have your Bad Girl’s blog address but this morning I only had time to skip around to a few blogs so I thought I’d get my feet wet by starting with “Hobbler-Lite”!

      Glad you liked the post!

      • The Hobbler

        lol okay, I will let you know if I use them. I will actually link them back to your blog. It is hard to keep myself in check too. I think I might create a whole new WP account and transfer the bad blog over to it. That way they won’t be linked to eachother at all. It is scary sometimes…

      • HoaiPhai

        Maybe what I’ll do is have Dirty Duck be the guest blogger every once in a while. It’s too bad I didn’t think of his when I wrote the review of my super telephoto lens, which would be perfect for voyeurography an right up The Duck’s alley!

      • The Hobbler

        That is a good idea. Then you could always say it technically wasn’t you if he does something crazy.

      • HoaiPhai

        Yeah! Just like I used to do when I was a kid when I’d blame stuff I did on one of my siblings or, for the really bad stuff, one of the neighbor kids!

  • Ape No. 1

    You have to add my fellow countrymen the Divinyls to this list. They have that iTouch myself Apple sponsored song.

    • HoaiPhai

      Thanks for mentioning iTouch Myself! I don’t know how that one got past Dirty Duck.

      In honour of your exemplary suggestion, I’ve appended the post to include readers’ contributions (and stuff I forgot to put in). Your song is #1, appropriately enough!

      Thanks to your countrymen’s musical efforts, I ran out to iTunes and actually bought the song instead of downloading it from some Eastern Block server for free, adding to your fine nation’s economy whatever The Divinyls’ cut is of the close to $2.30 AUD I happily paid for the song.

  • bigmunkeyman

    Hey there, so glad I stumbled across your blog. At last someone with some great musical taste… love it !

    • HoaiPhai

      Thank you! Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any more songs that would appeal to Dirty Duck’s taste, would you? He’s always looking to expand his collection and add another tune to his migratory playlist.

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