There has been a whole lot of scuttlebutt about the Mayan Calendar winding down this year and at first I was skeptical about the predictions of destruction, chaos, and the Armageddon that would ensue. But after listening to many episodes of Coast to Coast AM on the subject, I am convinced.
In case you’ve never heard of Coast to Coast AM, it is an overnight radio programme that talks about all kinds of stuff that mainstream science denies the existence of, like the dangers of using Ouija boards, real Bigfoot encounters, crystal power, and advanced civilizations in antiquity. They have also had as a guest Andrew Wakefield, who was stripped of his doctor credentials by the British medical establishment for allegedly fudging study data and drawing conclusions not supported by said data, among other things. According to Wikipedia, “Wakefield’s study and public recommendations against the use of the combined MMR vaccine were linked to a steep decline in vaccination rates in the United Kingdom and a corresponding rise in measles cases, resulting in serious illness and fatalities.” Picky, picky, picky.
Coast to Coast AM also has guests who explain that extraterrestrials are visiting Earth from… 1). The Future; 2). Some distant planet in another solar system; 3). Planet X, an as yet undiscovered planet within our own solar system; and 4). Within humans’ own minds and/or spirits. I’m not 100% sure about the last two but that’s the impression I got while listening to shows but not paying much attention.
When journalists go out on a limb, year after year, educating the public about so many establishment-unpopular topics, you know they’re on to something. And Coast to Coast AM is where I heard all about The Mayan Calender Doomsday scenarios and predictions.
I feel an overwhelming urge, perhaps driven by the influence of friendly Mayan spirits, leprechauns, or those magical little crystals that form in the corners of my eyes while I’m sleeping, to make a couple of predictions of my own concerning The Mayan End Days…
- Taco Bell will introduce a new menu item… Mayan Mania or something else playing on the word “Mayan”. [Maybe they’ve already done this… I haven’t been to a Taco Bell in a while. I think I know what I’ll be having for lunch today!]
- Roving bands of zombies, in the form of mortal drunk people with dried eggnog on their faces, will begin to appear around December 14 and continue their intoxi-fest until just after January 1, 2013 (maybe the Mayans were two weeks conservative in their estimation of the end of the world).
- Discontinued foods will be reintroduced.
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride through a Niagara radar trap and a cop will try to ticket them for speeding, road racing, stunting, cruelty to animals, littering in the form of “meadow muffins” being left all over the roadway, and emissions sticker display violations.
- Cults will dispose of followers’ savings by sending them to off-shore banks, helping their followers enter Heaven unencumbered by sinful worldly possessions.
- Constitutions worldwide will be amended to hold politicians to their election promises.
- Insurance rates will plummet.
- The Honda/Acura NSX will rise from the dead.
- Doomsday alarmists’, psychics’, and other prognosticators’ predictions will be collected in a database and be verified for accuracy. The fortune tellers who fail to score appreciably more “hits” than what would be expected by pure chance will be prevented from making predictions for a period of 12 years (not that this will matter because the world will end shortly thereafter).
- Apple will release a new iPhone with better features, more memory, free perpetual airtime, and a sticker price of under $100.
- All major religions will realize that their differences stem from Man’s inability to comprehend something as complex and profound as an omnipresent, omnipotent, omni-benevolent, and omniscient supreme being. World peace will result.
While I am convinced that the aforementioned things will happen, I must remain humble and admit that I might be wrong. I have but one prediction of which I am relatively certain…
- An as yet undiscovered Mayan calendar for the next era will be unearthed with a fresh new “Mayan Momma” pin-up girl on the cover.
… and one of which I am absolutely certain…
- Gas prices will rise.
What are your Mayan Doomsday predictions?
† Until December 22, 2012.
- If The World Ends, This Man’s Voice May Be The Last You Hear (huffingtonpost.com)
- Discovery of Earliest Mayan Calendar Throws 2012 Doomsday Claims into Doubt (skepticalteacher.wordpress.com)
- Jungle Science: Mayans Actually Didn’t Predict a 2012 Apocalypse [Doomsday] (gizmodo.com)
- 2012 Doomsday Theories Proven Bullshit… By The Mayan Calendar (badassdigest.com)
- Newly discovered Mayan text says 2012 is the end of the calendar not the world (slashgear.com)
- Mayan Calendar Discovery Confirms 2012 ‘End Date’ (news.discovery.com)
- Mayan Ruins Describe Dates Beyond 2012 ‘Doomsday’ (news.discovery.com)
- what exactly is the mayan calendar? (mayan2012.tk)
- Scientists Explain ‘End Date’ Seen In Ancient Mayan Text (huffingtonpost.com)
- Newly discovered Mayan calendar goes way beyond 2012 (shortformblog.com)