Mayan Doomsday Countdown: T-minus 5 Months

On December 21, 2012, a scene like this will be the last sunrise any of us will ever see.

There has been a whole lot of scuttlebutt about the Mayan Calendar winding down this year and at first I was skeptical about the predictions of destruction, chaos, and the Armageddon that would ensue. But after listening to many episodes of Coast to Coast AM on the subject, I am convinced.

In case you’ve never heard of Coast to Coast AM, it is an overnight radio programme that talks about all kinds of stuff that mainstream science denies the existence of, like the dangers of using Ouija boards, real Bigfoot encounters, crystal power, and advanced civilizations in antiquity. They have also had as a guest Andrew Wakefield, who was stripped of his doctor credentials by the British medical establishment for allegedly fudging study data and drawing conclusions not supported by said data, among other things. According to Wikipedia, “Wakefield’s study and public recommendations against the use of the combined MMR vaccine were linked to a steep decline in vaccination rates in the United Kingdom and a corresponding rise in measles cases, resulting in serious illness and fatalities.”  Picky, picky, picky.

Coast to Coast AM also has guests who explain that extraterrestrials are visiting Earth from… 1). The Future; 2). Some distant planet in another solar system; 3). Planet X, an as yet undiscovered planet within our own solar system; and 4). Within humans’ own minds and/or spirits. I’m not 100% sure about the last two but that’s the impression I got while listening to shows but not paying much attention.

When journalists go out on a limb, year after year, educating the public about so many establishment-unpopular topics, you know they’re on to something. And Coast to Coast AM is where I heard all about The Mayan Calender Doomsday scenarios and predictions.

I feel an overwhelming urge, perhaps driven by the influence of friendly Mayan spirits, leprechauns, or those magical little crystals that form in the corners of my eyes while I’m sleeping, to make a couple of predictions of my own concerning The Mayan End Days…

  • Taco Bell will introduce a new menu item… Mayan Mania or something else playing on the word “Mayan”. [Maybe they’ve already done this… I haven’t been to a Taco Bell in a while. I think I know what I’ll be having for lunch today!]
  • Roving bands of zombies, in the form of mortal drunk people with dried eggnog on their faces, will begin to appear around December 14 and continue their intoxi-fest until just after January 1, 2013 (maybe the Mayans were two weeks conservative in their estimation of the end of the world).
  • Discontinued foods will be reintroduced.
  • The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride through a Niagara radar trap and a cop will try to ticket them for speeding, road racing, stunting, cruelty to animals, littering in the form of “meadow muffins” being left all over the roadway, and emissions sticker display violations.
  • Cults will dispose of followers’ savings by sending them to off-shore banks, helping their followers enter Heaven unencumbered by sinful worldly possessions.
  • Constitutions worldwide will be amended to hold politicians to their election promises.
  • Insurance rates will plummet.
  • The Honda/Acura NSX will rise from the dead.
  • Doomsday alarmists’, psychics’, and other prognosticators’ predictions will be collected in a database and be verified for accuracy. The fortune tellers who fail to score appreciably more “hits” than what would be expected by pure chance will be prevented from making predictions for a period of 12 years (not that this will matter because the world will end shortly thereafter).
  • Apple will release a new iPhone with better features, more memory, free perpetual airtime, and a sticker price of under $100.
  • All major religions will realize that their differences stem from Man’s inability to comprehend something as complex and profound as an omnipresent, omnipotent, omni-benevolent, and omniscient supreme being. World peace will result.

While I am convinced that the aforementioned things will happen, I must remain humble and admit that I might be wrong. I have but one prediction of which I am relatively certain…

  • An as yet undiscovered Mayan calendar for the next era will be unearthed with a fresh new “Mayan Momma” pin-up girl on the cover.

… and one of which I am absolutely certain…

  • Gas prices will rise.

What are your Mayan Doomsday predictions?

Until December 22, 2012.

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About HoaiPhai

I'm up late digging up the dirt. View all posts by HoaiPhai

12 responses to “Mayan Doomsday Countdown: T-minus 5 Months

  • kaiyasworld

    I predict that there will be a Baby Boom around late September/ early October of 2013. A lot of people will be doing the nasty for the last time on December 20 and who needs birth control when we’re all going to die, right? Maybe that’s how I can trick my husband into having a 3rd, lol!

    • HoaiPhai

      I’ve got to go along with you on the baby boom thing. If you do trick Hubbie into being a father in the 3rd degree and his enthusiasm dwindles, maybe I can convince my wife that we should take the child. If you could possibly hold on to him or her (I’m referring to the baby here, not Hubbie) until after the diaper stage, that would really sweeten the deal for Mrs. HoaiPhai!

  • Ape No. 1

    I think Taco Bell’s new menu item will be the Cinco De Mayan Burrito with their special jalapeño infused Mayannaise. “Come for the fiery life changing Burritos, stay for the fiery life ending ball of death!”

    • HoaiPhai

      Har! “Jalapeño infused Mayannaise”… brilliant! Next time I’m invited to a pot-luck dinner, I’ll have to devise a dish around your pre-conquistadore condiment!

  • Stepping My Way to Bliss

    LOL! Nice post…and I think you got the part about the gas prices right. : )

    • HoaiPhai

      Thanks so much… I saved the thing about the gas for last because that one’s a sure bet.

      Have you planned a Mayan-themed shopping spree? You really should in case the predictions come true. That way you’ll be appropriately deck-out when we all go to the Mayan here-after. You might even get to pass through via the express line like I was once treated to at a Canadian High Commission!

  • Carl D'Agostino

    Horse pucky. I don’t think there is anything found accompanying the calendar that predicts doom. It just stops at that date. On the other hand had a granddaughter born last September and my son named her Mayah.

    • HoaiPhai

      Congratulations on Mayah!

      I get plenty of calendars every year and the fact that they “run out” on December 31 doesn’t cause me to break a sweat. Can you imagine what it would cost Mayan banks to supply all of their customers with 5,125 year calendars? Sure, it wouldn’t happen often but when it did come around, it would have been a major headache!

  • gingerfightback

    Loved it – bit worried about Taco Bell though

    • HoaiPhai

      Still no sign of Taco Bell employees being forced to wear elaborate Mayan costumes, at least not at their outlet in the food court at my local shopping centre. I’ll keep you posted.

  • The Hook

    You’re just full of good news, aren;t you?

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