Revenge Inc. Part II: The Settling of Accounts

Revenge is never pretty (but it can be quite satisfying).

Last week in Revenge Inc. I made my readership an offer they couldn’t refuse. I don’t want to say that the vast majority of them refused my offer because should anything sudden and unfortunate happen to them a coroner’s inquest could infer that I might have a “motiva uvam acerbam” [sour grapes motive]. So, to be on the safe side, let’s just say that only two of them accepted my most generous offer.

Let’s dive right in and solve some problems!

The First Problem

A Curious Gal wrote me about a problem “her brother” is having and asked me for a little guidance…

“My ‘brother’ has a neighbor who will enter his house during the day without knocking. Will walk right in, hollar for him, if no response will mosey up the stairs to start searching out the bedrooms!!!!”

Dear Barb,

First of all, I bet you’re a bit unsettled that my sources were able to find out your real name. I hope you didn’t mind me using it here to illustrate the kind of tenacious, not-to-be-messed-with kind of guy I am. Don’t worry, I’m on your side — after all, you were the first one with the courage to avail yourself of my particular conflict resolution skills.

There are actually a few measures “your brother” can take to remedy the situation…

1. Have your brother put dog poo on his own doorknobs. This is generally highly effective in bringing home the message that one’s presence is unwanted. Seeing as this is the obvious solution he probably has already tried this before. [Readers: You’ll be happy to know that I do not intend to make any more poo references until my Christmas post.]
2. The old switcheroo. When the neighbour sneaks in your brother’s front door, your brother should duck out the backdoor, enter the neighbour’s house, grab a beer from his fridge, and sit down to watch a little TV. Won’t his neighbour be surprised to find an uninvited person in his house?
3. The old switcheroo #2. The next time the neighbour sneaks in the front door, duck out the backdoor and break into his house. Turn his stereo up full blast, exit, and sneak back into your own house unseen. Upon hearing the din he will return to his house to see what’s going on and to turn down the volume. As soon as you hear him turn the music down call him to complain about the noise.
4. The old switcheroo #3. If “The old switcheroo #2” doesn’t clue your bro’s neighbour into the fact that he should find a dictionary and look up the word “boundaries”, he is one special sort of stupid. Try upping the ante by locking him out of his house when you turn his stereo up and then anonymously call in a noise complaint to the police department. If he persists he’ll only get himself arrested. This is sure to make his landlord super happy who will hire some bailiffs to give Mr. Walk-Right-In a special invitation to live somewhere else and become some other neighbourhood’s problem.
5. Have a large, heavily-armed (but not trigger happy) friend house sit. Having to explain to the business end of a .44 Magnum why I walked in without knocking would immediately break me of that habit. Let’s see how thick-headed your brother’s neighbour is!
6. Barging into something best left unbarged. If the neighbour is fairly predictable and you don’t mind a caper that requires a bit of preparation (and clean-up), this should cure him of not only walking in unannounced but also of getting restful sleep. Take a leg of ham, theatrical blood, a mannequin, old clothes, and a chainsaw. Stuff the ham wrapped in bags of blood into the thigh of the dummy’s (i.e. the mannequin’s, not the neighbour’s) pants. Put “your victim” into a bathtub. Take a large garbage bag and cut holes out of the bottom and side edges to fashion a makeshift poncho for yourself. Stay close to the bathroom and when the neighbour enters the house, start revving the saw. When the neighbor pokes his head into the bathroom doorway, cut through the ham leg with the saw sending rooster-tails of theatrical blood all over the walls and, if your aim is good, all over your neighbour. As the neighbour races for the nearest exit, chase him saying things like “It’s not what it looks like”, “He had it coming”, “Come here… I just want to talk to you for a sec.”, and “Can I borrow your van and a shovel?”.

I hope this helps “your brother” out. Please get back to us and tell us all about what happened!

The Other Problem

List of X, a possible high school teacher, asked me…

“I wonder how would you solve the spite runs problem?”

Before we get any further, I think it’s a good idea to explain the concept of “spite run”. A spite run is a retaliatory device in which the person seeking  retribution causes a noisy motor vehicle to pass repeatedly within earshot of the person or persons who have wronged him. A spite run is most effective when several powerful vehicles are involved and the noise of the revving engines and screeching tires (if applicable) disrupt the target’s sleep, outdoor wedding reception, inaugural speech, family member’s funeral, etc. Now that we all know what a spite run is, back to my response to List of X…

The sound of engines revving and tires screeching would not be a problem to me personally — it’s music to my ears but, then again, I also like listening to dubstep and Yoko Ono. If you think a spite run on your street, assuming that the spite run in question is automotive and not marine in nature, is something to be discouraged and are asking me for help, I might suggest you could thwart it thus…

1. What you can’t hear can’t be spiteful. Set up a large active noise cancellation system what will phase out the spiters’ V-8s’ roar so that it sounds something along the lines of a Chevy Volt parade. If this is too expensive and technically complex a solution, try…
2. The faux pas. Rig a temporary clothesline type of thing across your road, taking care to use fine invisible fishing line. Attach a dummy to it made with old clothes covering a messy combo of stuff you’ve liberated from your butcher’s dumpster. Hide the dummy in a pile of leaves and when a speeding car approaches, yank the line so your “pedestrian” scurries out and gets hit by the spite runner’s car. Be sure to film the panicked mass evacuation and post it on YouTube.
3. One good peel deserves another. If they’re going to be doing peel-outs on your street you might as well contribute to their peel-o-thon by getting their paint to peel… arm yourself with a SuperSoaker filled with paint remover and find a high vantage point. Candy Apple Red doesn’t look so great when it’s sliding off your fender.
4. Two can play the nitro boost game. Rig Dewar flasks to pour liquid nitrogen onto the speeding cars’ windshields as they pass underneath. Normal driving vibrations will shatter the supercooled glass in an implosion that is sure to cause the driver to believe he/she is under shotgun attack.

Hope this helps… please let us know how things worked out.

A statue commemorating Sol “With The Fishes” Revengerelli, the patron saint of getting even.

Another Offer You Cannot Refuse

I’m willing to milk this concept for all it’s worth if you, dear reader, are willing to oblige. Send me your vexing problem and I’ll see what I can do to provide you with a solution in a future post.

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