Revenge is never pretty (but it can be quite satisfying).
Last week in Revenge Inc. I made my readership an offer they couldn’t refuse. I don’t want to say that the vast majority of them refused my offer because should anything sudden and unfortunate happen to them a coroner’s inquest could infer that I might have a “motiva uvam acerbam” [sour grapes motive]. So, to be on the safe side, let’s just say that only two of them accepted my most generous offer.
Let’s dive right in and solve some problems!
Oops! That’s a shame. How’d it happen?
Life can be frustrating, what with all the obstacles that it keeps throwing in our paths, but we have to remain philosophical… what choice do we have? I mean it’s frigging life we’re talking about here… it always wins in the end so we’re pretty much screwed. But when it is another person who is making things difficult for us, well, that’s a different story.
We could, I suppose, reason with the person causing us problems to achieve an equitable outcome but diplomacy tends to put us back into the position we were in before hostilities began and ignores compensation for any wrongs, real or perceived, done to us. This is where retaliation shows itself to be the better, more just, and more satisfying solution to many of life’s little problems. Continue reading
Remember the excitement you felt back in elementary school when April Fool’s Day rolled around? Remember your high school years when April Fool’s Day could very well mean a trip to the nurse’s office and getting out of History and Phys Ed due to your injuries or a mandatory interview with local law enforcement? Wasn’t that fun? Why did all that have to end? Society, in the form of our educational institutions, beats the wonder and “fun” out of a child, that’s why.
I regularly contribute to an Employee Administered Retirement Savings Plan (I buy lotto tickets) because I hate working. It’s not that I don’t like the people I work with or that the job itself is particularly painful, it’s just that life is short and there are any number of things I would rather spend forty hours doing every week, like flossing with rusty piano wire. Due to some poor planning years ago, I will never be able to retire on the peanuts I’m paid. My only hope is to hit all seven numbers on the lottery.
Remember the excitement you felt back in elementary school when April Fool’s Day rolled around? You never quite knew what to expect but you were expecting something.
Then the teachers got together and declared that April Fool’s Day was only in effect during the morning. What a rip-off. Confining youthful exuberance to only a few short hours forced the thirty kids in your class to pull their pranks almost simultaneously, shattering almost any hope for suspense or the undivided attention of the whole class while Mrs. Burnthistle tripped your primitive jam-tossing IED.
We can bring back the spontaneity and surprise to Prank Day by moving it to August 1st, but we cannot tell too many people beforehand, OK? The first day of August is ideal as the weather will be pretty good, a lot of people will be on vacation, it will catch everyone off guard, and August starts with an “A” just like April does.
There are only a few short weeks left until the big day so we better get down to planning right away. Here are a few new gags I’ve thought up that will keep your targets on their toes: Continue reading